Day 2

Today I think I'm feeling a tad better, mentally. I'm stepping away from the family dilemma... made easier after discovering my husband doesn't care. He doesn't love me any less for getting into an argument with his family. In fact, he believes they behaved horribly the entire trip and thought I handled them well.

Today is a snow day. A texas snow day which means it should be safe to drive by 11am and there's just a bit of sleet sprinkled around. I have a headache, we've already been outside, the kids are watching my little pony.

I feel stiff all over, made worse by not having contact improv/acro class last night because the roads were slick (200+ accidents over night.. it was probably good it was cancelled)

I'm still feeling extremely unfocused and a bit sick--- I've had a headcold/cough thing for the last week or so. Not sure what to do with the kids all day today. I often don't know what to do with them though. Sort of makes me feel like a bad mom not to have elaborate projects and schemes ready to whip out at any moment.  I likely should do some yoga/stretches if the kids will let me get any in.

My mind keeps going away from this daily writing thing... I'm having trouble keeping up with it. It's easier with typing than writing on paper because my fingers kept cramping,  but the distractions happen here too. "Hmm. I wonder if I got a response on that Facebook post" "Oh, I wonder what the weather forecast is" (screeching kids also pull me away)

Better some than none right? Like meditation this takes some time and effort to get back into.

The beginning

Loving ones self. What does that mean.

I don't know that I love myself.. the words of hate towards myself swirl through my brain. I'm not enough. Never enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not strong enough. Not creative enough. Not persistent enough. Not tough enough. Not sensitive enough. Never enough.

How does one get out of that rut and where can I go from here.
I'm a stay at home mom sort of. I'm a photographer sort of. My kids go to a private preschool so I am alone a lot. I like being alone... but it gives me too much time in my head.

My inlaws just visited and I feel like a torn down pile of not enough. Even more than usual. Even my favorite coffee was not good enough. Our carefully planned decisions for the kids were wrong. What we eat is wrong. Everything.

My intent today is to take a hot shower and cleanse myself and this house. To feel good about myself and my home again and to drive out the demons. One day I may face them but for today, it is time to clear.