Neverending

How does one get comfortable and feel at peace with the neverending cycle of stuff to do?

I'm dishes... laundry, cleaning up the kids' stuff. Figuring out the limits of how they should help vs how I should take care of themselves. Making sure not to make myself a martyr. (thank you Flylady for that concept)

To enjoy taking care of my family. I struggle with it. It's such a thankless task yet must be done.

One being lost

I've started writing in my journal a bit since a friend visited. I don't have any clue where I am going with any of it though. I feel lost. A bit adrift. I supposed I always feel that way, but more than usual right now.

I feel like I'm searching for something but it's a very cloudy "something"

I found an interesting book called "Show Your Work"

I think it might help.. but I read too much of it at once and feel a bit like the beginning expanded my reach but the second part made me feel self conscious and shut down. So where now.

I know I need to work on my website. Keep taking pictures. Keep making art. Clear out my art room. Not ONLY focus on home and family. I need to get back to my self portraits.

Day 2

Today I think I'm feeling a tad better, mentally. I'm stepping away from the family dilemma... made easier after discovering my husband doesn't care. He doesn't love me any less for getting into an argument with his family. In fact, he believes they behaved horribly the entire trip and thought I handled them well.

Today is a snow day. A texas snow day which means it should be safe to drive by 11am and there's just a bit of sleet sprinkled around. I have a headache, we've already been outside, the kids are watching my little pony.

I feel stiff all over, made worse by not having contact improv/acro class last night because the roads were slick (200+ accidents over night.. it was probably good it was cancelled)

I'm still feeling extremely unfocused and a bit sick--- I've had a headcold/cough thing for the last week or so. Not sure what to do with the kids all day today. I often don't know what to do with them though. Sort of makes me feel like a bad mom not to have elaborate projects and schemes ready to whip out at any moment.  I likely should do some yoga/stretches if the kids will let me get any in.

My mind keeps going away from this daily writing thing... I'm having trouble keeping up with it. It's easier with typing than writing on paper because my fingers kept cramping,  but the distractions happen here too. "Hmm. I wonder if I got a response on that Facebook post" "Oh, I wonder what the weather forecast is" (screeching kids also pull me away)

Better some than none right? Like meditation this takes some time and effort to get back into.

The beginning

Loving ones self. What does that mean.

I don't know that I love myself.. the words of hate towards myself swirl through my brain. I'm not enough. Never enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not strong enough. Not creative enough. Not persistent enough. Not tough enough. Not sensitive enough. Never enough.

How does one get out of that rut and where can I go from here.
I'm a stay at home mom sort of. I'm a photographer sort of. My kids go to a private preschool so I am alone a lot. I like being alone... but it gives me too much time in my head.

My inlaws just visited and I feel like a torn down pile of not enough. Even more than usual. Even my favorite coffee was not good enough. Our carefully planned decisions for the kids were wrong. What we eat is wrong. Everything.

My intent today is to take a hot shower and cleanse myself and this house. To feel good about myself and my home again and to drive out the demons. One day I may face them but for today, it is time to clear.